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Read after Black Sun 024.
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A letter penned by Leo Lanier and delivered by hand to Julian Hollinger on Halloween night, 2014.
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If you’re reading this, well, it’s probably pretty fucking obvious why. If I haven’t croaked, I’m gone. Out of your life for good, because I’m a coward who couldn’t say this shit to you in person.
But there are things you need to know. I want to tell you in person, and I really hope to God you never actually read this garbage and that I end up chucking it in the fire before it ever sees the light of day. But since we both know I’m way more likely to fuck it up somehow, this is my insurance policy. This is me finally doing the right thing.
When I first met you, I never expected to like you. I never expected you to even matter. I used you, Jules. Michael snatched you up like a shiny new bauble and I rolled with it. I pushed him at you, even, because I didn’t realize what you would mean to either of us. I just didn’t want him looking too hard for Tasha. And then… well, suddenly, you mattered. You mattered a lot.
So this is it, Jules. This is my confession. All the things you deserve to know. I’ve already told you that I’ve done some pretty awful things. I’ve killed people. Worse, I’ve been playing this stupid game of chess with people as pieces against Michael for so long that I don’t even know how to fucking stop. Tasha, Colby, you, and so many others… All that’s on me as much as him. Don’t think I don’t know that.
And here’s another thing you don’t know. You know my off switch, the one that lets me shut down and just… not feel things? Yeah, well. Nice idea… in theory. Mine’s always been broken. Worn out. I can’t really ever fully shut it all out, and God knows I’ve tried. And I think that makes it worse, because there’s no easy little scapegoat for me to say “Oh, I didn’t know what I was doing, that wasn’t REALLY me.” I’ve been there every step of the way. It was always me.
I wasn’t even a vampire when I killed my parents. It doesn’t matter that it was an accident. They would be alive if it weren’t for me. Like Sadie. Like Violet.
It was me in there, the day I killed Violet. I loved her, you know that? We were both just dumb kids, but I think one day we might have been, you know. More. I don’t know. Maybe not, but I do know this: I loved that girl.
You know that I killed her, but. That’s not the whole story, Jules. Michael told me that he’s told you everything, but… well, call me an optimistic idiot, but I can’t believe you really would forgive him that easy if you really knew.
I didn’t do it.
Or rather, I had to do it. It was the right choice.
When Michael turned, he was fucking batshit. You’d never believe me if I told you what he was like, because you’ve only ever known him since he turned into a control freak. He turned me after I told him not to, after I tried to get away. And when I wouldn’t eat, he got desperate.
Michael. Well. He basically set it up so that I had two options for what would become of Violet Whelan. I chose the one that broke my heart less.
And I’m not telling you this as some last-ditch smear campaign against him, okay? I just want you, of all people, to know what really happened to her. Because if I don’t remember what she suffered, someone has to. And I want it to be you. I want you to make him tell you what he did to her.
And I want you to promise me something about Michael, too.
You have to save him.
I won’t ever retract my opinion that Michael is a grade-A asshole. He is. What he’s done to me? I can’t ever forgive him for that. But the person he is now… That’s not who he was, Jules. And if you see something good in him, well, maybe that means that somewhere deep, deep down, my friend is still in there. And if he is, maybe you’re the one who can bring him back. Because I never could.
I’ll never get the chance to keep trying.
Jesus Christ, Jules, what have you done to me? I never meant to die an honest man, you know.
Look. I know you’re probably going nuts trying to think of ways to save me or bring me back or whatever the status of the situation would require, but… Let me go, alright? I died a long, long time ago. I’ve been running on borrowed time for over 100 years. I’ve used up all my nine lives and all my second chances.
There’s no cure for me. There’s no way to “save” me. You’re too smart for that crap.
Just promise me one thing…
Don’t die.
Leo
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